The dream I just had.

As I strolled through the halls of my residence hall one night, I noticed a relatively short man with a mullet, wearing a jeans and a jean jacket in the stairwell. walked into the bathroom and he followed after me. At first I didn’t notice him, but after a few seconds I looked up to see him, fumbling with a gun. He proceeded to point it at me from a couple yards away. “Don’t move.” he said… So I didn’t. “What do you want from me? I don’t have much but you can have it all.” “I don’t want your money,” he said. “I want you to help me kill myself.” I can do that, I thought to myself. So I walked toward him and took the gun from his hands. “Are you sure about this?” I asked him. He made eye contact with me and nodded. “Okay,” I agreed. After I made certain that it was loaded I shot him in his chest twice. I proceeded to call 911 and waited for the ambulance and police to get there. Everything was somehow okay again.

Later that week while I was shopping at TJ Maxx I encountered a similar experience. However, rather than being approached at gun point, a knife was held to my neck. I could have taken the knife right then, slit this guy’s throat, and ran to safety but I didn’t. I was entirely too calm for the situation I was in. He handed me the knife and told me he wanted me to use it, stabbing him until he was sure to bleed out. I proceeded to look at him as if he was a lunatic. “You’re going to have to give me a better weapon than that if you want me to help you kill yourself,” I laughed. Glancing at me with his sinister eyes he reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a revolver. “Will this do?” he asked. I shook my head as he handed it to me. “It’s weird, you know? Second time this week that this has happened to me. What are the odds of that?” I guess he didn’t find the humor in that. Maybe I was the sick one, finding humor in helping people commit suicide but at this point I needed to find something to laugh at or I probably would have gone insane myself. The conversation we had was so intimate that neither of us had noticed the mob of people that had surrounded us in the middle of TJ Maxx. Oddly, not a single one of them objected as I pulled the trigger. My heart started beating quickly and I don’t know why, but without looking up I knew I had missed him.” “Come on! My grandma can aim a gun better than that,” some guy in the circle surrounding us said. I looked at him and asked rhetorically, “You want to shoot him then?” “Hell no. Are you crazy? Just pretend he did something really bad. Aim at his heart.” And so I did. I counted to three, and as soon as I finished I pulled the trigger and a bullet flew straight into this guys chest. The same guy that had made a comment about my precision earlier yelled “Nice!” at the top of his lungs and reenacted exactly what had just happened, using his fist as a theoretical bullet, driving it into his own chest as if he were the lost soul who had considered suicide his only way out. “Need me to do it again? Just to be safe?” I asked the man I now felt I had a stronger bond with than any man I had ever loved. “No. I think I’m pretty much a dead man.” And with those words, he dropped to the ground and stopped breathing.

I guess I should have been flustered, but I wasn’t. I didn’t think about why, how, or what made those two men think death was the only way out of their current situation. Instead, all I could think about was how bad my luck was. What were the chances that this kind of think would happen to me, not once but twice? I started re-evaluating everything in life, wondering why helping these people kill themselves was somehow acceptable to my conscience. Life is fucked up if you think about it. Even morbid things such as death are beautiful to those that welcome it.

For a good majority of the last two years I have spent entirely too much time explaining my complex love life to guys that stepped anywhere near my direction. I passed up some real winners, because my heart wasn’t in it. All because I loved someone. Someone who didn’t love me back. Someone who ripped my heart out, threw it on the ground, and shattered it into a million tiny little pieces. Someone who lied to me. Someone who knew all of my deepest darkest secrets. Someone who was one person drunk, and a completely different person sober. Someone who I thought of as my best friend through all of it. The male version of me in nearly every way. He made me happy without even trying to. I was truly head over heels. Want to know the crazy thing? We never dated. We never had a title. It was just one of those things. He knew where I stood. I would have done anything in the entire world for the boy that broke my heart and honestly, I probably still would even though I’m dating someone else because when you love someone, you don’t just walk away. Regardless of the circumstances.

Just some random thoughts.

I haven’t blogged in awhile. Figured I would catch the 3 people that actually read this thing up to speed. Life lately has been a huge roller-coaster of ups and downs. My grandmother isn’t doing well at all, which makes me really sad. It looks like she’s going to pass away soon, and no granddaughter wants that to happen to her granny. I realize death is a part of life, but I like to ignore it for the most part which is really difficult to do when it’s staring someone you love in the face. On an incredibly more positive note, I have a boyfriend now. We met at a leadership conference back in February and we had been talking and Skyping for awhile. It was obvious that we both liked each other. I’m talking butterflies in our stomachs, heart skipping beats type of stuff. That’s how it was for me, at least. Anyway, I finally built up enough courage to tell him and he felt the same. You have no idea how good the feeling of reciprocation is. I’m really, really happy and although distance is going to be a huge factor considering he spends every summer in Pakistan, I think we can do it. I have faith. Last few things, UK won tonight. I miss my family and friends and I can’t wait to go home. And I can’t wait to move into my apartment! One month. Counting down the days ^_^